HAHAHAHAHA!
Gotta love Jesse's away message, you gotta love it.
Speaking of satires I think I'm going to post mine cause I'm bored. We had to write a satire modeled off of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal".
One walks into a store expecting to purchase an item of worth but finds that the item in question is too costly for the consumer. So instead of accumulating the funds to purchase the item, the consumer decides to pilfer the item. The previously stated situation is a common occurrence in society today. A transpiration that in my opinion requires a solution. I believe I hold the solution to the stated dilemma.
If anyone tries to swindle an article from within the store the thief will be halted by the system I have developed. In this system consumers, upon entering the shop, are required to wear belts. Within that belt is an electric shock system. Upon vacating the shop the thief will receive an unsubstantial shock, enough to paralyze them. Once paralyzed the belt, which is also magnetic, will cause the "customer" to be towed back into the store by the magnet located directly behind the door on the far away wall. After being lugged back into the store the "consumer" will be arrested by the store's own police force.
My collaborator believes that my methods are absurd but I believe not. My fellow colleague believes that the insertion of cameras and security guards is a superior solution. But I believe that my colleague's method has been tested, and has failed. For a shop to have its own trained police force is a reliable idea since the police officers are real police officers, not pretend cops in costumes. Cameras are necessary in order to spot the theft but more cameras only help you to see the theft in more angles, not to stop it. And cameras are a squander of assets whereas my solution, which will cost 12 million dollars, will conserve in the long run.
From my solution I will gain nothing since I own an online business and all my interactions are electronic. But I believe that for the regular businessman my solution will be useful and worthy of purchase.